


it's ok (better with you here)

by ninepercent



Category: NINE PERCENT (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: Best Friends, M/M, Panic Attacks, fluff and a little angst if you squint ig, zhengkun love each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-26
Updated: 2018-05-26
Packaged: 2019-05-14 03:42:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14761944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninepercent/pseuds/ninepercent
Summary: xukun felt like he was trying to breathe underwater.





	it's ok (better with you here)

**Author's Note:**

> im back at it again with more garbage ! tbh idk what this is it was like 1am when i decided to write it down and i was half asleep neither i know what motivated me to do it but zzz

xukun stared at zhengting's hands wrapped around his phone. the older boy was sitting cross-legged while he hummed a little song and moved his head along with the rhythm.  
  
he attentively saw him put his phone down and leave it beside him. xukun turned his gaze back to his own hands, playing with the holes of his ripped jeans.  
  
they weren't talking, and xukun felt a little guilty, zhengting didn't come all the way here, 17 hours away from his dorm, to see xukun's disastrous ass not say a word for the first 20 minutes besides a pitiful _hello, zhengting, it's been a while_ after he had traveled so many miles.  
  
he knew zhengting didn't mind though, he knew he wasn't mad, he was always so nice to xukun, all the time, so patient and so understanding even when xukun was acting like an stubborn brat.   
  
like that one time when they were kids and xukun fell while playing football, and zhengting helped him to wipe his tears, clean the wound and put a cute smiley face band-aid on his knee. or the other time when xukun was 11 and the first girl he confessed to rejected him and he was too embarrassed to look at his best friend in the eye because zhengting had already had a boyfriend and xukun still hadn't even had his first kiss yet, so zhengting pecked him on the lips shortly and waved it off, saying they were even now. also the one time xukun had a panic attack when he was 14, and zhengting held his hand when he was alone in that hospital room because his mom got so worried. or just now, when xukun's mother had died almost eight months ago yet xukun couldn't bring himself to get a grip of his life now that he was alone, without his mom, father long gone years ago, without his best friend who had left the city 6 months ago to go study at the most prestigious dance academy of the country almost 840 miles away from him, and too discouraged and tired to call his other friends to enjoy anything again, he even stopped going to college a couple weeks ago, and just the thought of all the homework he has to catch up on is enough to give him migraine.  
  
but zhengting has always been there. with him. holding his hands. wiping his tears. kissing his wounds better. always with that breathtaking smile on his face. always understanding him without words being said. and xukun was thankful.   
  
he lifted his head to meet eyes with zhengting, who was now lying comfortably on the couch across his bed with his head resting on his arms. he looked tired, xukun felt bad again for being so weak and putting him through this when zhengting should be practicing and being the best dancer of the century, which he already was.  
  
zhengting stared back at him and smiled softly, tilting his head, and xukun feels his heart do things again, he figures that's because he missed him a lot, especially these past few months when he really was feeling like absolute shit.  
  
"how was the flight?" he asked though he knew zhengting was probably going to brush it off and say it was all fine, fun even, but xukun was right there, he could see the bags under his eyes and how tired they looked.  
  
_i'm sorry._  
  
"decent" he heard him sigh dramatically. "i mean, i was sleeping for the most part, and it was just a two hours flight, it wasn't that long. they only had so many chances to fuck up that way" he laughed. xukun couldn't help but laugh too.  
  
they fell into a thick silence again, yet a comfortable one. xukun could see it, _that_ , in zhengting's eyes, how badly he wanted to ask questions, but xukun knew he was holding back because he didn't want to overwhelm him. ever so caring.  
  
"you dyed it back to black" he pointed at zhengting's hair.  
  
"oh? oh, yes!" he looked confused for a second but quickly caught up on what xukun was saying and laughed. "i got bored of being blonde, so i decided to dye it black. plus, i'm too handsome with blonde hair, i need to think of my admirers' hearts" he joked.  
  
"i think you look better with black hair" he confessed, making zhengting smile even more widely.  
  
"thanks, i know" the older answered cheekily and xukun rolled his eyes but laughed nonetheless and stared at him for a couple more seconds.  
  
he could _see it_ in his eyes.  
  
"come one, ting" he sighed. "just ask whatever you want to, i'm not a child, i can take a few questions regarding the this whole... _thing_ " he looked away, boring his eyes into his own shoes. "i'm depressed, i guess, whatever" he said voice low.   
  
xukun could hear the older's footsteps approaching him, but he didn't dare to look up. he finally felt zhengting sitting right next to him, shoulders touching. "how have the guys been?" he smiled and xukun would lie if he said it didn't surprise him a little.  
  
"uhm... fine? xingjie is dating some art major, rui, i think, and yanchen broke up with his girlfriend and claims he's not having a relationship ever again, though everyone knows he'll end up dating zeren by the end of this summer probably" he pursed his lips.  
  
"that's great! i remember they had some good ass parties back when i lived here" he clicked his tongue.  
  
"yeah, i guess" he smiled somewhat nostalgically.

"i miss it, you know? i miss going to those parties with you" zhengting said with that soft shy voice that made xukun want to wrap his arms around him and never let go.  
  
"i miss you too" zhengting's nostalgic smile morphed into a bright, full-teeth smile that could takes all his breath away, and then rested his head against xukun's.  
  
"you have to trust them, xukun. they're your friends too" he looked at him worriedly. "i know it's hard for you but you need to let other people in, let them help you, someone other than _me_ " he knew zhengting didn't mean any harm but it somehow hurt him, _was he trying to get rid of him?_  
  
don't get him wrong, he likes his other friends, but they didn't get it, not that he blames them though, he didn't even get it himself, yet zhengting somehow did, and better than xukun ever could. he gets xukun, he knows what xukun wants even before xukun knows he wants it or why even he would.  
  
"it's not that easy, zhengting" he tried not to show any irracional hurt in his voice.  
  
"i know, baby" he smiled sympathetically, xukun didn't like sympathetic on zhengting's face, not directed at _him_. "but you need to try. do it for me, please. i'm not asking you to replace me or something like that, and i'm not mad i had to come here, but it'd make me feel better knowing that you have someone who will be there for you when i can't" he squeezed xukun's hand. "i came here because ziyi was worried and xingjie didn't know what to do, they do care about you, kun".  
  
xukun stared at zhengting's hand resting on top of his own. he felt so selfish, he made zhengting come all the way here, he made zhengting worry, zhengting shouldn't even want to be here coping with xukun's bullshit.  
  
"what happened, kun? you were fine when i left, you've been fine these past months, you told me you were fine everyday we've texted, every time we've video-called, but we both know that's not the whole truth" there was a clear reproach staining his tone, but not anger. he could feel his friend's eyes staring deeply at him, trying to find his gaze, so he met eyes with him, he could see how worried he was, how much he cared, his brows were furrowed in slight frown and his lips were pursed just a bit. he looked away again. his chest was beginning to feel weird, tickle almost.  
  
"i just– i..." he swallowed dryly. "i don't know, i– it just felt like too much one day but i kept it in because it i didn't think it would matter b–but it felt like breathing with no lungs, i didn't know what to do" his voice trembled and he was feeling his breath hitch. "i was fine, i swear i was doing fine, i _was_. i stopped fucking crying months ago because i–i thought i didn't need to anymore, i was attending classes, i was renting three hours of a small dance studio and i had you, even if they were just video-calls, i was fine" xukun just couldn't stop it, the words where coming in waves and he didn't know how it stop it. "i don't know when it happened but– but, fuck, i remembered my mom's mooncakes and i knew– i knew i was never having that back. we loved them, remember? then i just didn't feel like leaving my bed and, shit, ting, i–i–i'm sorry you had to come here i–".  
  
"xukun" zhengting's hands cupping his cheeks cut him off. "xukun, stop. listen to me" he looked at him in the eyes. "it's fine, okay? i don't blame you, i never would" he was speaking softly and caressing his cheeks, xukun just tried to even his breathing. "i'll go get you a glass of water, wait here, yeah?" he kissed his cheek and got up. xukun followed his figure until he disappeared behind the door.  
  
he heard zhengting's rushed steps walking down the stairs and he tried to focus on that and not how his chest fell on _fire_ , the room began to spin around and feel all too small, xukun closed his eyes because he was starting to feel dizzy and cold. he tried to think of the fact he wasn't alone that day, zhengting was there, right?  
  
but he would leave, zhengting would leave and xukun would be all by himself again. god, he was so fucking annoying, demanding all of his best friend's attention when he clearly had better things to do than be there with him. xukun didn't know what he would do when he left, he was so behind with his assignments from college, he wouldn't be able to catch up on all of it. he could ask his friends, but what friends? he has done nothing but push them away, he would be such and hypocrite. honestly, the best thing zhengting could do is leave him alone, he's an obstacle to zhengting's career, zhengting was right to leave, maybe he should stop being friends with him and–  
  
"xukun!" he opened his eyes to see zhengting hovering him, he was standing right in front of him and cupping his cheeks again, looking the most worried he's seen him in a very long time, xukun could barely breathe. he roamed his eyes around his own room and saw the glass of water sitting calmly on his nightstand. "xukun, look at me, please, fuck, you're having a panic attack, you haven't had one since , what? years ago? shit, just– just focus on my breathing and breathe with me, yes? try to even your breathing with mine" _no_.

xukun shakes his head frantically "no!" he didn't know how tight he was gripping onto his mattress until he let go and tried to take zhengting's hands off his face and felt pain on his hands. "let go! just leave me alone, okay? you're gonna leave anyways, just fucking leave for good already!" he tried to get up and scape but zhengting sat him back down and got on top of him, knees on each side of his hips, making sure he didn't go anywhere.   
  
"cai xukun, shut the fuck up and breathe with me, i won't leave you alone, okay? i promise i won't" he put his arms arms around xukun's neck, tight but not too much, hugging him. xukun, on the hand, was still trying to make zhengting let go but his heart wasn't on it anymore, a part of him was glad zhengting was there, and that part did nothing but grow and grow inside him.  
  
xukun finally stopped struggling and ended up wrapping his arms tightly around zhengting's tiny and slender waist, burying his face on the crook of his neck "i–i'm so sorry i put you t–through this" words felt like sand down his throat and he couldn't control the way his chest moved.  
  
"no, baby, it's fine, i said i don't blame you and i meant it, i love you, yes? now, please, please, breathe with me" he ran his fingers through the wet locks of his hair, he was sweating, "inhale, count to five, exhale, count to again, repeat" he obeyed and tried to match his breathing with the his. after what felt like eternity —probably around fifteen minutes—, xukun could even the air entering and exiting his lungs, but he finally felt it, the weight of this past months, of bottling up his emotions for that long while trying to look okay, and just broke down. he held onto zhengting even tighter and just cried four months worth of tears on his best friend's neck. zhengting just let him, stroking his hair softly and whispering reassuring words to him.   
  
"thank you, ting" he spoke forcedly, his throat still felt like broken glass. "what did i even do to deserve you?" he tried to joke but it sounded so hoarse he doubted zhengting would find it funny.  
  
"shut up" he laughed, against any of xukun's predictions. "nothing, honestly. you're just lucky i'm the best of bestest friends and i love you" he said in a wise tone and then laughed. xukun laughed along, how wouldn't he?  
  
"that's not even a word" he joked, voice muffled by zhengting's shirt.  
  
"people like me need new words, normal words are too small and meaningless" xukun could feeling grinning against his ear. "ouch! _kun!_ " zhengting flinched when xukun pinched his side.  
  
"i don't know why i love you so much, all i do i feed your already huge ego" he finally took his face away his neck. he probably looked awful, eyes red-rimmed and puffy, but zhengting just smiled.  
  
he removed xukun's sweaty hair from his forehead and wiped off what was left of his tears with his thumbs, letting his hands rest on his cheeks again. he looked at him so lovingly xukun felt a little shy under his gaze, but he just left a chaste kiss on his forehead and rested his own cheek there, arms still wrapped around his neck. " _you do_ " he had the nerve to say.  
  
xukun pushed him off him and threw him to his bed.   
  
"i respect your self-esteem" he said ironically, climbing on top of him. he pinned both zhengting's arms with one hand and pretended to sigh disapprovingly.  
  
"xu–xukun, n–no, please" zhengting was trying to hold back his laughter, face reddening from it.  
  
"i missed this" he said right before starting to tickle him. zhengting's beautiful laugh filled the room while he squirmed away from xukun's grip. it made xukun forget, just for those seconds, how many things were wrong in his life, and xukun let him, because zhengting has always had that effect on him.  
  
xukun was thankful.

**Author's Note:**

> a fic about pinning yet again is that my job is that my brand  
> again this was: hot garbage but i hope you enjoyed also idk what this ending was let me know if you want more of this trashy low-budget teenage drama or if i should just throw the whole fic away (hint: i should)  
> however have a nice day i hope you can forget this fic exists by tomorrow morning mwah


End file.
